A Chronicle of Insanity
by MissFuneralSong
Summary: Starring the Turks in a series of crazy but fun adventures. Chapter 2 - Reno, trying to solve the Murder Mystery, has an unfortunate encounter with a little girl and an ice cream. But that's beside the point - who killed Elvis corpse? Read on to find out.
1. Elvis Corpse, Part One

Disclaimer: Square-Enix owns Final Fantasy VII, not me.

AN: This story...was inspired by something that happened while a friend was watching me play FFVII, something that made us laugh until we cried. There was also something that'll most likely feature in a later chapter, involving many despairing cries of "Aiiiiiiiirshiiiiiiiiiip!' That person's not my friend anymore, but we'll always have the memories.

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The Turks: A Chronicle of Insanity

Chapter One: Elvis Corpse, Part One

The sun shone over the pristine town of Costa Del Sol as it did every day. The place was a marvel, the magnificence of its architecture dwarfed only by the immense beauty of its beaches, which were also a highly popular tourist attraction. Young women flocked to them in droves to sunbathe on the warm sand, and young men flocked to them in droves to surreptitiously ogle the young women. It was on one of these beaches that our main characters were relaxing, basking in the rays of the sun and the cool breeze from the ocean.

The Turks were here because of a rare phenomena, one that occurs maybe once in a blue moon: vacation. This blue moon, it was the newbie Elena's turn to choose the venue. She hadn't even hesitated to suggest Costa Del Sol. Tseng seconded the motion, telling no one that the reason for this was that he secretly wanted to see his female coworker in a swimsuit. Reno had gone along with it because anywhere was better than damn Midgar, and Rude had gone along with it because going along with things was something he had a particular talent for.

So now the foursome were stretched out on beach towels, drawing nervous looks from a number of tourists who had no idea why these people had wandered imperiously onto the beach and set up camp in the best spot, which had originally belonged to a young couple. The young couple were only too happy to give up their stretch of sand when they saw the menacing and slightly arthritic way Rude had of cracking his knuckles. The Turks were blissfully ignoring these apprehensive stares, however, as this was something they were used to. In fact, one of them was giving a stare of his own, except his was more admiring than apprehensive. Tseng, clad in a white t-shirt and black swim trunks, was captivated by Elena. Luckily for him, she had dozed off, giving him the opportunity to gaze at her to his heart's content.

Rude, wearing black trunks and a white shirt also, and with his trademark dark sunglasses perched atop his bald head, was giving the ocean an absentminded glare. Reno, who had decided not to go in for such silly things as t-shirts, was resting on his towel with his hands behind his head and his goggles over his eyes. A flock of women, ranging in age from early teens to late thirties, and one twenty-year-old man had taken up residence a safe distance away and were eyeing him with a great amount of yearning, whispering and giggling occasionally to one another. They thought Reno was asleep, though of course he wasn't, and knew exactly what they were doing. The attention pleased him no end.

Suddenly, Rude pointed out to the water and said, in his deep, droning voice, 'What's that?'

'Whuh?' said Tseng, startled out of his happy stupor and now trying vigorously to seem as though he hadn't been doing anything. 'What's what?'

'That,' answered Rude, still pointing. 'That thing floating out there.'

'Hmm?' Sitting up, Reno pushed his goggles back onto his head and squinted out over the waves. The crowd that had been spying on him quickly dispersed, blushing furiously. 'Hey, he's right, there _is _something out there.' He nudged his blonde associate. 'Yo, Elena, wake the hell up.'

'Fnuhzk,' said Elena tiredly, negotiating her way into an upright position. 'I'm up. Whad'ya want?'

The redhead smiled the sinister smile of one who outranks another. 'Be a good newbie and investigate that mysterious floating object, would you?' he said sweetly, pointing to it. Rude was also still pointing.

Elena glanced out to sea. 'Should I even say "do I have to"?' she groaned miserably. 'I think I already know the answer.'

The thing wasn't that far from the shore anyway, she told herself as she trudged down the beach, past hordes of pasty-skinned tourists in ill-fitting swimsuits. Elena herself, much to the delight of Tseng, was wearing a quite attractive black two-piece that left just enough to the imagination. It scored her a few approving stares and wolf-whistles as she made her way to the water and waded out toward the strange floating thing. After having lain in the sunshine for so long, the salt water was freezing as it caressed her legs, giving her goosebumps and making her curse Reno and his _authority_ with every fibre of her being.

As she drew closer to the object, she could see that it was pretty big, about human-size, and a fairly pale white colour. Just as she reached out a hand to grab for it, a wave knocked her feet out from under her and she flailed with her arms and legs, eventually struggling upright once more. Then Elena screamed.

The wave had also swept the floating thing closer to her, and she could see that it wasn't a 'thing' after all; it was a person. A corpse, in fact, with an incredibly stylish, albeit wet, hairstyle. As Elena overcame her initial shock, her expression changed from terror to bewilderment, and she realised that this wasn't just any old corpse - this was an _Elvis _corpse.

_To be continued..._


	2. Elvis Corpse, Part Two

AN: Sorry for the delay, loyal reader-type people. I was suffering from a touch of writer's block for a while there, but I'm fine now. And this fic has been C2'd! Exciting! Anyway, without any further ado, I present Chapter Two...

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The Turks: A Chronicle of Insanity

Chapter Two: Elvis Corpse, Part Two

After much distressed, urgent and above all _loud _screaming of demands from Elena, Rude and Tseng waded out into the ocean and dragged the corpse to shore. Much shouting and running away was done by some of the more delicate tourists, and the rest either stood around muttering and watching the scene unfold, or went right on with their napping.

While the three Turks who were assembled at the shoreline fussed around the body anxiously, Reno slowly unfolded himself from his beach towel and sauntered over to them. He sat with a dull _plonk _on the sand beside the Elvis corpse and, barely able to contain his mounting excitement, declared, 'It's a Murder Mystery! Do you think it'd be a little too inappropriate to say "Elvis has left the building"? Man, this is the best vacation _ever_!' His expression was that of a small boy in a giant killer robot store, but his ear-to-ear grin gradually dissolved as his coworkers glared him into silence.

'_Yes_, Reno,' said Elena, her voice as cold as a popsicle in a snowstorm. 'Yes, I think that _would _be inappropriate.'

'Oh.' Reno looked dejected as he asked, 'Can we at least solve the Murder Mystery?'

All three men, without quite knowing _why_, turned to Elena for the answer. Sounding every bit the mother hen, she conceded. 'Oh, all right. But make it quick, because I _don't _want to waste all of our vacation time around this _corpse_!'

'Score!' exclaimed Reno, jumping and punching the air overenthusiastically. 'And I already have a suspect!'

'Who?' asked Tseng in disbelief. 'We only found the body just now! Who could you possibly have found to be a legitimate suspect?'

'Uh...' The redhead cast around for someone suspicious-looking, and found a five-year-old girl innocently licking an ice cream. He shot over to her and dragged her to the rest of the group. 'Her! She's our number one suspect,' Reno announced, his childlike excitement returning in a flash. He turned to the little girl, crouching down so that he was at her level, and put on the most fierce, menacing look he could manage.

'Yeth?' inquired the child, through her ice cream cone, staring up at Reno with wide blue eyes.

'Don't try and play innocent with me!' he warned, thoroughly enjoying himself at this point. 'Is it true that, while nobody was looking, you snuck away, murdered this man' - he pointed to the Elvis corpse - 'and dumped his body in the sea? Confess!'

'Reno, I really don't think that's a good idea,' cautioned Elena, but it was already too late. The little girl looked from the dead man to Reno, and back again. Then, without so much as a warning sniffle, she burst into tears.

'Nice going, Sherlock,' muttered Tseng, dragging his colleague a safe distance away from the unfolding scene.

Both Elena and Rude hurried to try and pacify the child, while Reno looked on in sad bewilderment. 'What did I do?' he asked the beach in general. 'I was just interrogating her. When I was her age, I'd have _killed _to see a real dead body close-up. Which would have been pretty effective, if you think about it.'

Meanwhile, growing increasingly tired of Elena and Rude's efforts to stem her flow of tears, the girl pushed them aside, trotted over to Reno, stuck her tongue out at him and threw her ice cream at his chest. It collided with a wet _thwap_. Then she ran off, undoubtedly to inform her parents of her small victory. Reno stood and stared blankly into space as the sticky pink stuff slowly slid down him and landed on the sand at his feet. His mind was racing as his face reddened. Something as humiliating as this had never happened to him before, much less at the hands of a little girl. All those embarrassing defeats at the hands of Cloud and his posse were nothing compared to _this_. It was a _little girl_! And what was worse, Reno was being laughed at - not just by his fellow Turks, but by random beachgoing _tourists_. It was infuriating him very quickly, making him wish he hadn't left his mag rod back in the hotel room. Through the haze of embarrassment and anger he could just make out Elena walking towards him, carrying his towel.

'Here you go, you great useless idiot,' she said coldly, throwing it at his face. 'And if you still want a solution to your so-called Murder Mystery you'd better stop daydreaming and come with me.'

At these words, Reno suddenly snapped out of his stupor, his face lighting up like a chandelier and his huge, childish grin returning. 'Really? What the hell are we waiting for? Lead the way!'

Pushing their way through an increasingly thick throng of tourists, the two arrived at the place where the corpse had lain, and Reno was shocked to find that this was no longer the case. The mysterious Elvis was still there, of course, but it was no longer laying. It was also no longer a corpse. The once-dead man was standing a little unsteadily, propped up by Rude and Tseng, with a towel around his shoulders. Somebody had procured a comb for the man, which he was running through his soaked hair absentmindedly.

Reno had difficulty finding words at first, but after a while he managed to settle for, 'You're not dead!' and then, after further deliberation, 'This shoots my whole damn Murder Mystery vacation straight to hell!'

'Your concern is touching,' snapped Elena, words dripping with sarcasm, as she elbowed the redhead in the ribs. Then she turned to the Elvis and her expression softened in a flash. 'Are you all right, mister?' she asked him. 'I thought you were done for.'

'I'm just fine, miss,' he drawled. 'And thank you for helpin' me outta the water. Thank you very much.' He seemed to get his bearings, wandering off up the beach, still running the comb through his dripping hair.

Reno, upon hearing the ex-corpse's final comment, had tried to restrain himself. This was as useless as trying to plug a volcano with a feather. He burst out laughing, dropping onto his knees and rocking back and forth uncontrollably like he was having a fit. The other three simply stared down at him with cold eyes, as though they _really _wished they didn't know him right at that moment. But Reno ignored them, all inhibitions gone, and just kept cackling and thrashing like a madman, crying out, '"Thank you very much"!' in a perfect imitation of the Elvis's voice.

He didn't even stop when Elena kicked him in the knee and stalked off, muttering darkly about idiots, Murder Mysteries and wasted vacations.

_End of Elvis Corpse._

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Wasn't that fun? Next chapter will involve...yes, an Airship. And maybe a special guest star, cough cough nudge nudge. See you then.


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